Feeling wistful and philosophical on a rainy and dreary night. I just saw the movie Elizabethtown tonight. It follows a man who is lost in his life and suddenly loses his father. He goes back to his father's hometown, gets reacquainted with family, meets a girl, goes on a journey, Hollywood stories, yada, yada, it wanders a little, but still I like it. There are just certain moods and small elements of life that feel so familiar when an author or filmmaker can capture them for you. Cameron Crowe, are you reading my mind?
So, on my mind as always, but even more so now as I prepare to be a mother, my own mother. I lost her when I was very young, 4 1/2, and my few personal memories get cloudier as each year goes by. I do however, get the occasional privilege of seeing her through the eyes of others. Mom lived for a while as a teenager with her aunt and uncle , and her cousins Bea & Annette saw her as a sister. I just read a recent post by Bea about her remembering the 3 of them singing and playing the guitar together. Stories like this always tug at my heart. So many people seem to have such sweet memories of her. I wish I had more of them.
I have been struggling with this idea: how on earth could I be someone's mother when I hardly remember seeing mine in action? And I know this is mainly an internal crisis. Everyone finds their own way to parent eventually. A lot of people don't even get along that well with their parents. They want to try to diverge from the path their parents took in child raising. But it is just part of the hole I feel. I want to be able to ask my mom myself. What were her pregnancy experiences? How did she feel in labor? How did she approach being a mother?
But I am lucky I am not alone. In spite of the sadness and loss I will always feel in connection with my mom, I have been provided with wonderful people who don't take her place, but come awfully close. They will be my models for motherhood.
My husband, who is always caring and concerned for me when I don't feel well.
My dad, who no matter what, always did everything he could to make sure I was taken care of.
My cousin Annette; I hope she knows that I aspire to be as great a mom as she is.
My friend Dana who is always there for me; babies may be scary, but we first learn about nurturing through taking care of each other, and then our pets!
My friend Megan who has also been there for me when it really counted; I thank her for her zany humor, massive photographic talent, and unique perspective on life.
My 2 mothers-in-law, Brenda & Debra, who both welcomed me so warmly and easily into their families.
I may have already lived longer than my mom had a chance to, which is sad, and scary. But hopefully I can do enough living for us both. I want to make her proud.
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2 comments:
Hey again. I don't know how much I can remember, but I do know that pregnancy seemed to bring out the best in your mom. When she was pregnant, she positively glowed with health. It was like whatever cloud was usually there was suddenly just gone, and I was looking at Beverly the way she was supposed to have been. At least that's how it seemed to me.
Her craving (or the one I remember) was Wendy's Frosties. I remember a number of late night trips with her in the Old VW Rabbit when she was pregnant with you. She used to dip her french fries in the Frosty, and I thought that was weird until I tried it myself. LOL
If I remember anything else, I'll pass it on.
Oh friend! What a lovely post. I'm sorry your mother isn't here to share your experiences, but like you said, you are completely surrounded by people who love and care about you.
I'm fully prepared to blog/photograph the big day a la Heidi Chronicles if you want. I might have to use D's laptop though. I won't photograph anything gross, I swear. If it's actually on Halloween, I'm totally coming in costume. Love you!
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